Chronic Illness · Chronic Migraines · Chronic Pain · Migraines

I’m so tired of this f’ing migraine! Each night I go to sleep hoping that I won’t wake up with severe pain, and other symptoms, from a migraine, Each morning, I’m not surprised when I do. Yet, I still hope. At least it’s not the extreme nerve pain! I used to think I knew what a 10 was on the pain scale, but I didn’t. Now when I have a migraine that I feel is creeping up to a 10, I remember that nerve pain, and thank the heavens it’s not like that. But does that really make the migraine better? Or does it simply down play what it’s like? Am I negating my own pain and feelings about it?

Often when we have pain or a bad experience we will say, but I know others have it worse. Does this make what you have experienced better? Does it help you in any way? Or does it make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid? Like you shouldn’t feel the way you do? That’s simply not true. When you have negative things happen in your life, it causes strife. sadness, anger, anxiety….. These feelings are natural, and they need to be acknowledged. You aren’t helping yourself by pushing them away. Yes, others may have it “worse”, you can feel for them, you may even be able to help in some way. (giving to charities, listening to a friend, validating their feelings….) But it doesn’t make your experience, or feelings less valid. Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings. I’m not saying you should wallow in misery, simply understand that you are worthy of your feelings, and you need to deal with them instead of feeling like you shouldn’t feel this way.

I feel angry, sad, and simply fed up with being in pain all the time!! I have been judging myself for having these emotions. Not only because I feel others have it worse, though that thought has crossed my mind (multiple times), but I try so hard to live in the moment without judgement. I know others look at my strength and think I handle things so well; I don’t want to be a disappointment. I want to be a good example of how a chronically ill person can handle things with grace and a love of life. Lately, I just feel overwhelmed, and consumed with pain. I haven’t been supporting my friends, posting on my blog, or doing much of anything except sitting in my chair in the dark, hurting. It’s boring, and it’s sad.

I may need to increase my Spravato for a while, but I really don’t want to do that. It’s nice only going once a week, I was even hoping to cut it back to every other week. I see now that isn’t possible, at least not yet. I’m so very grateful for the Spravato treatments, but every Friday is taken up by this. The treatments last 2 hours, 3 if you count travel time, heck it’s more like 4 because there’s always getting settled in the room, and getting ready to leave….. all that kind of thing. Then there’s the aftermath. I often feel a bit intoxicated the rest of the day. So that’s a whole day dedicated to Spravato. But, I guess, that’s a small price to pay for my sanity. I’m so grateful I’m able to get these treatments. It breaks my heart that others can’t get the care they need. (but that doesn’t mean my feelings about it are less valid)

There have been many times in the past couple of weeks that I’ve considered going to the ED (Emergency Department, aka A&E, Accident and Emergency, or ER, Emergency Room) for my migraines, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My last visit there was so awful. Waiting over 6 hours in a busy ED with a migraine, having a seizure in the waiting room and no one noticed….it was bad, something I never want to do again. S said he’s not sure I’d go even if my foot had been cut off. hahaha, I promise I’d go if that happened! But he has a point, I do avoid the ED if at all possible. Here’s an article that tells you when to go to the ED, Urgent Care, or call your provider: https://medlineplus.gov/ency/patientinstructions/000593.htm . You can see in the list that it says to go to Urgent Care for a migraine. Yet my headache specialist has told me many times to go to the ED. I also don’t want to be admitted. I hate being in the hospital. The last two times weren’t helpful anyway.

Dang it, I just at a couple of hours ago and I’m hungry! Food is a necessity, I do get hungry and I eat, but it’s not something I look forward to any more. My stomach has not been happy lately. I’m nauseous most of the time, I often have a stomach ache, indigestion, acid reflux…..let’s just say, I’m keeping Pepto in business. I’m going to eat now, I’ll finish this up later. I have many things I want to get done today since I can. It hurts, a lot, but I’m not having vertigo! That’s a plus!

I haven’t mentioned here that I have a “job” now. It’s not really a job, since I don’t get paid in money, but it does bring in a lot of things we need. I was asked by a major online retailer to do honest reviews in exchange for the products I’m reviewing. I get to chose the things I review our of thousands of products. I get what I need, well some things I simply want. It has been a great help since S’s salary was cut when he had to change jobs due to the pandemic last year. So I need to do a few reviews today. I’m a little behind because the pain has caused me to not be able to do much of anything.

I will break down and take meds for my migraine today, even though I’ve taking it twice this week already, because I’m getting my hair cut! I haven’t had a hair cut since February 2020! I’m so grateful a good friend is a retired stylist and has agreed to cut my hair. My regular stylist retired during the pandemic, and I don’t want to go to a strange person right now.

How are you guys doing?

Do you miss me on Picnic with Ants? I kind of miss my old blog. It saw me through a lot. I’m thinking about going back and opening it up again, what do you think?

More soon.

3 thoughts on “

  1. I like that you’re moving forward by setting down PWA and using the new blog to share more about your day to day life. I think about opening my blog up again but I just don’t post the same way I used to.
    I’m sorry you’re having a bit of a rough time. Your strength and resilience inspire me when I’m struggling! YOU are one amazing lady!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah, you have questions, I have thoughts.

    I think it’s natural to compare ourselves with others because we want to know what others feel, how bad or good it and their days are and what they do to get through the day and pain. We need that context so that we can have a better understanding of what is happening with them and with us.

    However, there has to come a point where we stop the comparisons if we get too wrapped up in it because this is where we have to remember it’s not a competition. There’s always someone who has it worse and who has it better. And depending on how our day is, we are always one or the other. I also agree with what you are saying about what we feel. It is so easy to be dismissive of our emotions even though we shouldn’t be. We do have to remember to be kind and nurture ourselves.

    As for your blog, if you decide to go back to the other one, it should be easy to move the posts over, even if it’s just copy and paste. Not sure about the comments. Do you still feel the same about closing the old blog and opening the new? Feeling a bit homesick? You do have a lot of information over there in the one place.

    Saw my new doctor this week. Gave her four pages of ear related stuff. At some point she asks if anyone talked to me about migraines. I said no and she said no one? New doctor and new eyes. We will see if anything new is discovered.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t really know what to say except how sorry I am for what you go through. It’s your own experience, but I empathise. I’m still getting 5 days a week on average eaten by migraines and I’m sick to death of it all. GP practice wants to get people off Sumatriptan and I’m constantly being pushed about it. New migraine consultant wants to go through all these tick box exercises just to perhaps consider a different medication, one that I don’t want. There’s no real help, it’s all just smoke and mirrors and nothing of substance. I couldn’t imagine going to A&E with a migraine, not just because I’d hate how likely it is nobody would help but because like you say it’s hours and hours sitting there in a busy room with bright lights and painful seating.
    I think the new job-ish-job sounds fantastic! I’d love to be a hardcore reviewer and choose all the things I’d like. Sign me up! I want a UK version 😉
    I just wanted to send lots of hugs your way. No guilt for how you feel, no trying to be strong and not ‘disappoint’ anyone. You’re going through hell. It is hell, and it’s never bloody ending. Well, it might be, one day, miracles do happen! You’re entitled to feel however you’re feeling and you can’t always tough it out as though you’re okay. It’s okay if you’re not; nobody else would be in your shoes. Be kind to yourself. Sending love,
    Caz xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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